June 30, 2008

i'm glad you overcame your fears

Don't try and date in New York City. It's just not a great idea.
You will be disappointed, made to feel awkward and uncomfortable, invest too much time and money into your appearance, and ultimately it will only remind you that you are probably lonely otherwise you wouldn't be doing this ridiculous thing.
It will remind you how rare genuine human connection is.
It will make you desolate and bereft.

Instead, you're probably better off investing your time in brief saucy affairs with people who you probably shouldn't be having brief saucy affairs with. Like coworkers, friends' significant others, your boss's kid, band members, etc.
It'll make a good story at least.

And if there's anything I've picked up on, from this social circus, it is to never trust:

a) Serial texters- people who never ever call, only text; they will annoy and badger you. Your dad will get mad at all the texts he's paying for, just so you can figure out where to meet for coffee/drinks in 8 texts that could've been done with a 3 minute phone conversation.

b) Anyone who calls him or herself an "Old soul." Be wary immediately. Because "old soul" is really a way of saying douchebag. Oft times a pretentious douchebag. Also, that this person has never actually thought about their own soul or perhaps they have way too much, but this sort of thing seems fashionable and they most likely don't even have a soul. Or if they do, it's a really whiney self-conscious soul. With baggage. LOTS and lots of baggage.

c) People who say games are stupid or they don't play games/ hate game-playing. They are either idiots or blatant liars. Game playing is fun. You secretly love it. The entire draw of dating succeeds on a constant exchange between pleasure and the possibility that this pleasure is ephemeral or needs to be coaxed; mystery must be maintained. Anyone who thinks otherwise, I'd like to hear it. I'm not talking about relationships. I mean dating.

d) Self-professed "Romantics." They are the emotional undead and they will eat your soul and cripple you with their emotional baggage, for it is very heavy. This will also create futile expectations that this person will be romantic to you and sweep you off your feet. Because real Romantics don't say that they are Romantics because they are too busy being Romantic and sweeping you off your feet!
They will also not think twice to screw you over but then probably blame you for being weirded out by their possessiveness or say that they were afraid you would leave them for someone else, which is meant to make you feel bad about their vulnerable insecurities, but really it's a decoy to keep mooching off your pity and affection. Hit them. Hard.

e) Anyone who sacrifices class for cash. Especially on a first date. Don't waste your time (or money) with a second.

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