August 3, 2008

things to put on a personal resume one day when that sort of thing is actually valuable on a professional level:

  1. Being awake ALL THE GODDAMN TIME doing nothing.
  2. Sticking my foot in my mouth routinely.
  3. Over analyzing things I already know the answer to.
  4. Self-distraction.
  5. Disillusionment.
  6. Sleeping it off.
  7. Masochism for the sake of subject material.
  8. Ignoring buyer's remorse.
  9. Faking it
  10. Making it?

If there's one thing I despise doing, it is taking the late train home from Penn station on a weekend. I am incarcerated with the scurf of the trashiest inhabitants of Long Island.
Someone almost always is vomiting somewhere nearby. People are getting into verbal altercations at all times. I want to be far away at all times. No matter what I do, I cannot drown them out. At least until I switch at Jamaica.

The LIRR depresses me, I think. My ipod lands on this particular song that reminds me of last winter break wherein I could not ride the train dry-eyed. It reminds me of everything I wanted then that I keep thinking I want now but am not sure I'm being honest with myself that that's really what I want.
I decided tonight, watching the man to my right shuffle a deck of cards, wondering if he ever did time, watching the sassy woman in front of me yell at a man for an unknown reason, watching the people standing in the aisles sway and scarf down pizza and beer, watching the space between myself and the door.

I want something and anything, possibly even everything, that isn't afraid of itself. There's too much we already know that scares us. There's little sense in adding things we haven't even learned of yet to that list.
I want to be unafraid to make a move. And more than that, I'd like for any option I have at the moment to be more appealing than some "lesser of evils" or "good for now." I would like to feel like the options are mine to make. I would like to feel the same way about me that you feel about me. I'd like to feel the same way about you that you feel about me. Things would be so much simpler if I could convince myself.

I don't regret the things I said today.

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