September 27, 2008

mostly, your voice saying "!"

I had the opportunity to turn the car around, after one phone call too late. I thought about it for a couple moments before deciding that I am going to leave well enough alone. I don't like saying goodbye twice, and even more than that I dislike saying hello twice.

I called D to tell him goodbye and he sounded a bit dejected. The night before he was explaining to me further non-illusions of grandeur as the spritley gal with the book on his bed exclaimed, "Somebody better snap you up real quick before you're totally rich so they don't look like a gold digger!"
It's called Marrying Potential, we agreed.

I skipped his pad sooner because I wasn't sure how I felt about the way he shook his head when I said I might not be back. "What," I asked, but he didn't say anything, even though we both knew he wanted to. Forty minutes later I receive a text from him telling me I deserve the best. Be happy, my dear.
I don't know why, but I lost my train of thought right then, just for a moment. Something in me knew he was right and there was maybe some vague feeling of a prelude for deja vu. Coming from D, somehow made it a sadder truth.

Oddly enough, happiness never even factors into my equations anymore. Only cautionary wisdom, get-rich-quick schemes, sexful distractions and thrill-seeking. Plus, resume-building. This is your "twenty-somethings" after all.


Oh and then I remembered what it was. Two years ago, telling David that he doesn't make me happy so much as makes me forget about being unhappy. I'm not sure if that's the same thing really, but at the time I felt there was a distinct difference. I believe he used that line in a play of his I saw and I slightly hated hearing it aloud. Possibly because it proved to me how history resonates, and sometimes you don't always like how it chooses to.

Except that sometimes it doesn't. Because I had almost no trouble saying no this time.

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