November 10, 2008

let's never take that moose again

I am noticing a pattern that whenever I am trying to refrain from getting in touch with one specific person, I will try to find a friend to hang out with to distract me. I used to think that was a little weird. Then I realized that it's because whenever I'm trying to refrain from getting in touch with one specific person, that sensation always makes me feel drained and alone.
Naturally, I'm refraining because I'm waiting, but it takes a lot of focus and determination to appear this nonchalant to the one specific person who isn't even around to notice.

This is the stupidest thought process that's ever turned gears in my head. V. Bridget Jones. I feel incredibly silly. And of course whenever he does actually get in touch with me and I say something equally stupid and inconsequential about the time that has passed since last we spoke, I feel stupid that I'm saying things that I don't care about saying because they don't mean anything and I'm just shootin it, and I feel even sillier for being "that girl." AKA probably every girl. And boy, for that matter.

I was lamenting this position to B this weekend, who I haven't actually seen in half a month. After we filled our bellies with San Loco and Bagelsmith, I exasperated the entirely too typical situation. There wasn't even a situation to begin with; it was too early to tell since I had just seen the lad in question the night before. I like to prepare my anxiety in advance apparently.

"Don't worry," she started, "Remember when I was that way with that fool, Brian-Bobby?"
"Oh yeah... last I heard he still has your vaccuum, doesn't he? He stole your vaccuum."
"It didn't work. But he did, that son of a bitch!"
"Yeah, what a bum."

At the end of the night, she added, "I'm proud of you. You didn't budge!"

In actuality, I was just having fun with my friends that night. I didn't even think to call or text him. She mentioned she was still in contact with her ex, much to the chagrin of her new beau. Although, he don't know that, supposedly. She asked me if I talked to mine. I can't, I said matter-of-factly, I haven't got his contact info anymore.
Even though with my freakish visual memory plus months of familiarity I still know his digits, if it's not conveniently at hand, it's conveniently out of mind.

Which leads me to believe that the chief way I deal with things I don't want to deal with is by simple distraction.

But since that sort of thing is lame and inconsequential, I've decided to be productive with my time (because what the fuck it's like mid-november already) and not harp on the things that aren't happening and instead start thinking about/doing the things I would like to happen.

Which leads me to
THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO HAPPEN:
  • Waking up at a decent hour without an alarm clock
  • Making progress with this vague form of a play I've begun writing.
  • Reading more interesting fiction and prose (suggestions?).
  • Owning the Sufjan Stevens Christmas box collection!
  • Record more.
  • Collaborate more.
  • Some sort of art showing for friends of mine who do that sort of thing.
  • Saving money > spending money.
  • Owning a digital SLR soon.

One Motivations, please!

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