November 4, 2008

we lift our hands and pray over your body but nothing ever happens

There are certain things you tell others. That maybe you don't believe yourself. And maybe you don't quite know that it's true or exactly what you mean, until it happens. Sometimes what reminds you is deja vu. Sometimes it doesn't hit you until much later, after the fact. Sometimes it never does.

That can go the other way around as well. Like how L was telling me how things are always different in the morning than they were last night. Somehow the morning is always the starkest time of day. Always when it comes to the most relevant things. And nobody says a word and nobody wants to talk about it. Or maybe somebody does want to talk about it. But they won't.
I had the distinct sensation of some stifling form of nothingness. I actually had nothing to say about anything. I did not want to talk about "feelings" because I don't know anything about that and I'm sick of feelings and I'm even sicker of trying to decipher them, let alone allow them to exist. I panicked. You talked about sharks and bears. I talked about sharks and bears.
It was the first morning I realized how I was right. I didn't really know what I was talking about when I told you why I kept my distance that time. Now I felt it. It probably happened already, days ago, maybe weeks, and I was just being alerted to it now, in the daylight savings morning.
Somewhere in that time span, I lost the point of it all. Someplace, probably in the meaty drip under my left ventricle, the apex, I felt the word fuck. It twitched there, an almost sneeze.

That wasn't me, the night before. That probably wasn't even you. It seemed like some carbon copy of two people pretending to be us. Or something like that. Something about the way you said the word Banana was very funny to me.

One day, I tell myself, one day I will have a feeling and just let it exist. And not be ashamed or disapproving of it, or tell it to go away because it makes things "complicated." I will let it be complicated and complicate other things and I will let it thrive. One day, I will not run from decision-making. I will settle for a good idea. One day, I will not let curiosity get the better of me.



The night before that, I was telling C I had to go. That I think I like you so I'm trying not to mess this up. It was the best I could muster, considering. Somehow, as fate would have it, I felt that maybe I already had. I don't know how much I believe that. It could be too early to tell. Too early for deja vu.
"I see what you're saying," he said. "I can respect that."
I don't remember feeling relieved or not.

In retrospect, I think I was afraid of what would happen in the morning. The morning would bring sunlight through skylights and sobriety and more stifling silence. Pursed lips, averted eyes. More than the unknown, I was probably more afraid that when the morning came, I would know. It would be confirmed. I messed it up.

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