March 31, 2009

all day long we talk about mercy

My dog's eyes are large, round and black. His nose has faded to pinkish brown and is dry. He looks at the food I offer him with doggy disdain. It exists. If you've ever seen a dog turn down food.
He heaves a sigh of doggy distress. He is a very stressed out pooch. You would be too, nearly escaping euthanization.

My father called me to tell me they were putting down our dog. He asked me if I wanted to see him before they did it, or else they were just going to have it done this afternoon. I said I wanted to say goodbye.
I did not want to say goodbye. I felt that it was the right thing to do.
I chose him. Thirteen years ago. This, I remembered. I said, "Yes this one please" when they asked "Are you sure you want this one?"
Brought him home, a snot-nosed pup and a baggie full of antibiotics. Every crevice of our house is home to his white hairs.

I cried. I didn't cry. I forgot how it felt, I haven't done it in so long, so sincerely. It didn't last long. Rarely does it.
I reacted out of my eyeballs, more like it. I clammed up quickly. I left the bathroom.

My mother called, quickly becoming hysterical. It's strange, detecting when I can hear the person on the other line breaking up. Or down. It's like how you can hear a television turn on, even when you're in another room or another floor of a house.

I watch him, a constantly inflating furry bagpipe, heaving and sighing. I told myself I will be there when it happens. I wonder if it will be like a television switching on or off. That blinking sensation in your inner ear. Barely a breeze. A thickness. Nothing more, nothing less.
I wonder. I don't wonder.

3 comments:

Grace said...

I didn't mention it but I had one of my hams put to sleep on Sunday- it's a difficult thing to do but it's also the kindest. If he's suffering it's best to let him go...

Blaine Harvey said...

my piranha ate each other.

i was actually sad about this development.

Kaitlin said...

ugh. i cannot even imagine the sort of melodramatic grief i will experience when my family has to put Max down. sorry about your furry loss.