My dog's eyes are large, round and black. His nose has faded to pinkish brown and is dry. He looks at the food I offer him with doggy disdain. It exists. If you've ever seen a dog turn down food.
He heaves a sigh of doggy distress. He is a very stressed out pooch. You would be too, nearly escaping euthanization.
My father called me to tell me they were putting down our dog. He asked me if I wanted to see him before they did it, or else they were just going to have it done this afternoon. I said I wanted to say goodbye.
I did not want to say goodbye. I felt that it was the right thing to do.
I chose him. Thirteen years ago. This, I remembered. I said, "Yes this one please" when they asked "Are you sure you want this one?"
Brought him home, a snot-nosed pup and a baggie full of antibiotics. Every crevice of our house is home to his white hairs.
I cried. I didn't cry. I forgot how it felt, I haven't done it in so long, so sincerely. It didn't last long. Rarely does it.
I reacted out of my eyeballs, more like it. I clammed up quickly. I left the bathroom.
My mother called, quickly becoming hysterical. It's strange, detecting when I can hear the person on the other line breaking up. Or down. It's like how you can hear a television turn on, even when you're in another room or another floor of a house.
I watch him, a constantly inflating furry bagpipe, heaving and sighing. I told myself I will be there when it happens. I wonder if it will be like a television switching on or off. That blinking sensation in your inner ear. Barely a breeze. A thickness. Nothing more, nothing less.
I wonder. I don't wonder.
3 comments:
I didn't mention it but I had one of my hams put to sleep on Sunday- it's a difficult thing to do but it's also the kindest. If he's suffering it's best to let him go...
my piranha ate each other.
i was actually sad about this development.
ugh. i cannot even imagine the sort of melodramatic grief i will experience when my family has to put Max down. sorry about your furry loss.
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