March 22, 2009

why my weekend stole your weekend's lunch money and ran

I saw B for the first time in a month and a half. She has a cat now. She lives with her boyfriend. She has allergies from the cat. She has anxiety from the boyfriend. We went to a party.

Everyone was wearing either argyle or Express jeans. B pointed this out while greedily sloshing a PBR around. I nibbled on a purple rock candy lollipop and minded the gaps. Something about her is different. I could tell she was afraid but I didn't know of what, or what I could do about it.

A lanky Indian fellow in slacks and a sweater vest approached us, "So are you guys from California?" We said yes without hesitation. "Which part?"
"Santa Monica," B said.
"Temekula," I said. Someone I used to know said he was from there.
"How did you know we're from California?" I asked.
"Oh, I went to USC Irvine. I can always tell Asians from California and Asians from New York," he said slyly. "It's like a sixth sense."
"Oh," I said. I looked at B crazily. I had an urge to 'put him in his place' but thought better of it. It isn't as funny if we point out how very wrong he is.

The night before, S and I watched Nick And Norah while her sister and her sister's boyfriend had another rager in the next room, screaming bloody murder and threatening break ups and then suicide and all those dramatic things. I felt annoyed that I couldn't hear the movie. I recognized that this was an insensitive thought but it seems like everyone I know is in some sort of dysfunctional relationship. I am becoming desensitized.
I am beginning to believe that 70% of heterosexual relationships are dysfunctional and distrustful or misunderstood and confusing. They are setting a bad example for me. I am becoming too comfortable in my "aloneitude." I have made a word for this feeling. Like noise-cancelling headphones, Aloneitude encompasses a person to a degree the same way hibernation does, I think. It's like 'me time' x twenty. It's not to be feared and it's not some negative consequence of negligence or surliness, it's just something you put on every now and then when you need to remove yourself from the world. When you don't want the maids coming in and cleaning your room in the morning. When you spend too long thinking of the perfect thing to say and they left hours ago.

You can wear it well or it can wear you down.

No comments: