April 26, 2009

going backwards is the new going forwards

"See, guys fall in love with their eyes. Girls fall in love with their ears," Dan told me. He reads several books on the science of interactions between the genders. He develops his own theories and then he tells them to me.

I am eating a ham, egg and cheese crepe. I chew slowly.
"I see.. wait, what?"

I think I got it.

I think a lot of people fall in love but they don't realize it. Rather, people fall in Like a lot. People see other people and think "Oh that person looks appealing to me" and then maybe they meet that person and maybe they don't. Ironically, a lot of people actively avoid interacting with people they find appealing. There is a grand illusion in appeal that I think people are dedicated to upholding. It is the illusion that is the most appealing, not the actual person/product. I think most people are also dedicated to upholding their own sense of appeal. They would rather go away than appear anything less than desirable or capable or graceful.

I think people say things like "falling in love" because they don't want to admit that they like someone that much maybe. They feel that they are not in control of themselves. They are "falling." They are clumsy. But that's okay because 'falling in love' is seen to be a fun and desirable sort of non-intention. Like it happens to you, rather than you to it. I do not think however that people realize the implications of what they are falling into, where they are falling from, or how long this fall is going to be. That can be fun too, why not.

I don't know that people are aware of the risks involved with 'falling in love.' I don't know that people are supposed to be aware of that. Most people choose not to address the precariousness of this business. Those people are probably doing it correctly then. This is the only venture I know of in which not knowing how to do something means you are doing it right.

This is the only venture I know of that I have effectively, on several difference occasions, either done wholeheartedly, reluctantly participated in, fucked up, or not realized I was doing it until it was happening.

This is the only venture I know that no matter how unsuccessful it turns out to be, it will continue to be done wholeheartedly, reluctantly participated in, fucked up, or not realized I was doing it until it was happening.

Which leads to the conclusion that 'falling in love' is some sort of doomed business. But I mean that in a good way. And I mean that in an ominous and horrific way as well. I mean that in a way which suggests that to fall in love is to doom oneself to hit some mysterious bottom which one will never quite understand until one is long out of love, in which case said person can never quite remember in exact intensity of what it felt like in the first place.

That being said,

Fuck.

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