April 19, 2009

to what I did and said

I waited fifteen minutes for a bus that should have arrived in seven.
This drastically influenced my mood from "nervous about being late" to "pissed that I'm going to be late."

I was really late. The good thing about being late sometimes is that if you're really late, the way I was really late, you come to accept this fact of your inevitable tardiness so that by the time you get to your destination you are calm and ready and no longer as pissed as you were when you were waiting for that bus.

I took that bus to a train which took me to another nicer more expensive train and I went out of the city and visited my school to listen to music and be around grass and trees and say hello to friends and stuff. Not five hours later I realized that this was a ill-planned idea.
Everything and everyone seemed so much more of a caricature of what I knew. Trendy carefree kids with the luxury of having Xanax prescriptions and disposable income left over for coke and booze and american apparel. I felt old and poor and that I didn't know anybody anymore. I ate a sandwich and french fries and that was good. I walked by a friend's apartment to grab my things and a girl with a pixie haircut said to me, "DO YOU WANT CAKE GO AND GET SOME CAKE!" so I did that.
It was pretty good cake.

Left unattended long enough, I notice that the pants I am wearing don't have enough pocket space. You never really pay attention to stuff like that until you are feeling a bit alienated and uncomfortable and don't have enough pocket to fit your hands in. Everyone was drunk and texting and wearing inappropriate footwear. I hitched a ride back to the city stat with R&B.

I ate a cookie with B at Bagelsmith and then I went home. I know it's probably not the smartest idea to have headphones on when you're taking public transportation late at night, but I just wanted to be in my head. I wanted to hear something comforting, that would shake that feeling.
I wanted to listen to something or someone that would howl through my brain. Because I felt that I couldn't do it myself. Because I had been feeling like I needed to for a while now. But it never came. Like an almost-sneeze. I just didn't have it in me.

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