May 12, 2009

I am in a constant state of unexciteable neutrality

I think the unintended purpose of a blinking cursor is to remind you that you aren't writing anything. You're just staring at a blank screen. It is goading me on. It will not get the better of me!

Considering I am the probably the oldest person at my job, everyone else being 2-4 years younger than me. That doesn't sound like any sort of big deal at all, except that this is the age range where that shit matters. Most of them would get turned away from a bar.
I try to keep to myself and appear productive enough to sustain employment, but make no mistake, I may as well be asleep.

I appear awake in my face, but I am asleep in my brain. I do not know what I am saying when I am speaking to you. I don't really care either.
The other day, a coworker was moaning about how one of the other workers there is obnoxiously blunt. She "keeps it real." She is "the most real person there," according to herself. He seemed displeased with this assessment, yet he agreed with it, sarcastically so.

I then wondered, am I real? Does this mean I exist or do not exist? What am I doing here! What the hell is going on?
For a while then I wandered around pondering this assessment and how "real" I am in comparison to these other really real people, and if I even give a shit. It is really very alienating, having a minor existential crisis in a retail environment while slow R&B baby-making jams are blaring from loud speakers everywhere around you.
I came to the conclusion that no, I do not give a shit.

This still left unanswered the query of my existence. I don't feel like I exist, but people seem to acknowledge my presence and I have a social security number and a pulse, and my mother still worries when I don't keep in touch, so I guess I must exist. And yet my phone hasn't made a peep all day.

And yet, I have not been made to feel strongly about anything in either positive or negative direction for quite some time now.
I try listening to love songs to maybe be moved but modern love songs are mostly about nothing at all. I try and talk to you to tell you how I am feeling but I can't explain it and feel embarrassed, so we talk about something inconsequential and unmemorable instead and probably it's funny so we laugh and have a good time. Most the time I have trouble deciding how honest I would like to be with you. Mostly I don't know how honest I am with myself.

The laws of the universe generally follow a pattern wherein some sort of balance is sought out between negative and positive. Nothing really stays in one extreme for too long. And when you're open to whichever energy, the universe has a way of serving it to you in no time.

So hello Universe, what the hell.


adam said...

i like those words

Jardley said...

Its like that I guess, feeling empty inside, trouble is wondering when it started, or how to end it maybe.
Feels like the only time I can honestly say all that Im feeling to the one I want to say it to is when Im drunk or high, sad really.