June 30, 2009

your bridges don't stand they just burn

I left my phone at home today. I was actually very calm about this at work. I was not stressed about it. And it's Monday. And as expected, I returned home to find no messages. Which can sometimes be more depressing actually. More depressing than having your mobile at hand only to have it be silent all the time? The difference is almost imperceptible.

Seeing Jill for brunch yesterday was a treat since she is from CT and never travels to the big bad expensive city, let alone by herself. We caught up over eggs Florentine and she explained to me her terribly awkward situation bailing on a date last night.

"I only speak to him when I get lonely. I don't get lonely very often, but you know sometimes when it's late at night and you think about how nobody loves you and you're going to die alone? That's when I'll usually text him. And he never gets back to me unless he feels like it, which is almost never" she very matter of factly confessed to me.

It is small gestures of desperation like this that has soured an otherwise content/pretty good 2008 and has me convinced that there is no real satisfaction to be had in reaching out to the ones you think you need but don't really need, you just want them to need you sometimes the way you feel like you need them maybe.

And when they do need you the way you want them to need you, it may not feel the way you thought it would. You know... better.

This is something I've come to learn, expect and prepare for. Not feeling better about "things." I realize as horribly trite and banal it may sound, Oprah is right: if you can't change something at least you can change your attitude towards it.
And so with the grace of Oprah I go unto the world, hoping against hope that even though I am pretty confident that I will not die alone, I won't have to live alone either. Not for too long anyhow.

And then Grace tells me that my mom confided in her that she's afraid that my "cold demeanor" scares away people. This is also in direct contrast to my brother who has a different girlfriend every other week. He is making me look bad.
So my mom may think that I will die alone, but nay mother, I am far too saucy and charming to succumb to such a fate! It still perplexes me that my own mother sees me as having a "cold demeanor." Is this because I didn't really like to be touched as a child? It is, isn't it.

1 comment:

Buz said...

Actually your cold demeanor is what initially made me want to talk to you. Friendship through mutual hatred, remember?