August 6, 2009

teenage vampires in love: what kind of fuckery is this




Here are some examples of vampires in love with humans and vice versa. These couples are worse than teenagers. Teenagers in love have the idea of "love til the end up time" but in their heads they really know that that probably isn't the case. But they are teenagers and young and their attention spans aren't that wide so the end of time could be like high school graduation.

Now add teenagers in love with vamps and there isn't really an end of time because vampires are immortal. So it really can be love until ETERNITY. You would think this would sound like being grounded for a year for teenagers. But no. They are totally INTO THIS. I don't know that they anticipate how long eternity can be. But last time I checked it was past the end of time. In fact the very definition of eternity includes the words "timelessness" and "A state to which time has no application." A person can get very crabby about a sentence like that, I think. But no. When you are young and pretty and hormones are still pumping through your veins (assuming you are not being turned into a vampire because your vampire boyfriend loves you too much to do that) you believe you are invincible, and Cool your boyfriend is super hot and angsty. The only thing that makes a teenage boy hotter is centuries of brooding.

The only pair of this three who don't get it on are the Twilight kids. Because he's too worried he's going to kill her in the act (but really because the author is slyly projecting her religioso abstinence into the manuscript). Personally, I don't see how that reasoning flies but then again I'm not a vampire boyfriend so what do I know?


Also why are there no such things as vampire girlfriends? No ladyvamp has ever loved upon a human boy. Why is this? Is it like dating a younger guy? They're just too immature? Is it a gender role thing? The human boy can't stand being virtually powerless against his super strength vampire girlfriend? Or is it like a preying mantis thing where the female kills the male after mating. I can see that as being the most likely situation. In the wild, the females are always the most brutal.

I watched an episode of True Blood last night and holy crap why didn't I jump onto this vampire trend when it was warming up. It clearly doesn't take a thing at all to do it. The writing is so bad. The casting is so bad (Anna Paquin seriously??). The accents are all terrible and are clearly from different Southern regions. They introduce weird other hot people-monsters into the series just because they must be getting bored. BUT every episode there are tons of vampire gore and vampire sex.

Twilight also has bad writing. Worse acting. Okay casting. AND NO VAMPIRE SEX. Liiitttle bit of gore. Enough to make it PG13. The entire film is carried upon the furrowed brooding well-groomed brow of Robert "Doesn't anyone remember when I was Cedric Diggory.... no? Anybody??" Pattinson. Yeesh.

The only thing they all have in common is werewolves. For some reason every vampire story has werewolves in it. And they are usually enemies. Except in Buffy where the only werewolf was Oz and he was just kind of Seth Green when he wasn't being a werewolf.

Something about Vampire-human love stories was always a bit unsettling to me. Despite the obvious romantical "together forever" notion that goes along with it.
And then it hit me after this one really terrible line in the first episode of True Blood's second season. A similar thing was said in both Twilight and Buffy. The thing being that these vampire boyfriends have waited several centuries to find their One True Love.
One is the Slayer (irony!), one is some random teenage girl (monotone!), another is some random Anna Paquin (Rogue!). So basically, even though this is a fictional universe created by super geeky writers the only truthful significance to reality is that you could be alone and isolated for a long time. Like really long. You could party like it's 1799, 1899, 1999 and maybe even 2099, and still not kiss anybody at midnight. Because even though they are super hot vampires and forever young and invincible, they are STILL alone. For centuries! Even with everything going for them. How horrifically depressing.

And here I am- aging, not brooding, a girl, and without a vampire or human boyfriend, for that matter.
Shit.

No wonder people write crappy impossibly fantastical science-fiction love stories that become New York Times Bestsellers for weeks straight.



But on a positive note, go see Thirst. Vampire flick, less about love but there's love in it (including one really awkward sex scene and several more awkward kissing scenes), more about being a vampire who use to be a priest.
Really. Fucking. Good. Summer flick 09.

3 comments:

adam coates said...

vampires can't get erections due to blood/circulation issues

Sabletooth tiger said...

Ah ha!
This fact would however thwart several of these popular series.

(oh)joneses said...

get ready.
http://www.cwtv.com/shows/the-vampire-diaries