October 26, 2009

none of what you just said was okay

FOOL: Are you happa?
ME: ...
ME: I'm sorry, what?
FOOL: Are you happa?
ME: Yes, I heard you. I meant "what" as in "What did you just call me?"
FOOL: You ever spend time on the West Coast?
ME: No. I haven't.
FOOL: Oh. It's a West Coast term. For half Asian. Are you half Asian?
ME: Oh I see. So you aren't trying to insult me with words that sound like racial slurs then.
FOOL: No, it means half Asian.
ME: Yes, I heard you the first time.
FOOL: So what are you?
ME: Are you kidding me?
FOOL: You don't look fully Asian.
ME: Neither do you.

It was at this moment, wherein I was filled with enough homicidal rage to be considered a "glass half full's" worth. The numbskull had me cornered. Looking around to find anyone else I could talk to at this party, I found no one familiar. My unabashed hostility proved only increasingly more enticing. What the Fuck, I thought aloud. The boy took this prompt to ask the second-most insipid conversational recipe for a punch to the gonads, aside from that brilliant line he warmed up with:

FOOL: So, what do you do?
ME: I'm an assassin for hire.
FOOL: Really now?
ME: Yes.
FOOL: So you kill people.
ME: And get paid for it, yes.
FOOL: Um, no you're not.
ME: Why would I lie to you?
FOOL: Why would you tell me that?
ME: Business is at an all time low. I find that word of mouth leads to the most ventures.
FOOL: Really, so if I had someone I would want dead you would kill them for me?
ME: For a fee.
FOOL: Oh really. What's the fee.
ME: Depends on the mark. We can discuss it in contract.
FOOL: Oh. Um, so what did you do before you became an assassin?
ME: Temping.
FOOL: So I guess this is much better, I guess. In salary.
ME: Much.
FOOL: How did you get into it? You just thought that you might be good at killing people?
ME: Friend of a friend. I used to work at a law office.
FOOL: Me too, that's what I do, law.
ME: I could tell.
FOOL: Really? How?
ME: Because you asked me what I do. You guys do that.
FOOL: So, heh, if I wanted you to kill someone for me--
ME: I'll have someone from my agency contact you. Weekends are pretty busy with the highest rates, Fridays and Thursdays get pretty slammed as well. Stick to Tuesdays. It's your best bet.
FOOL: You ever get a thrill out of it?
ME: No, you sociopath. This is a profession just like any other-- you do your job and that's it.
FOOL: So do you know kung fu and stuff?
ME: Ugh, it's not Hollywood.
FOOL: So you'll just kill anyone.
ME: No women, no children.
FOOL: Yeah I guess it'd be easy to kill guys. I mean, a cute girl can just like poison them or something...
ME: Why make a night of it, a sniper rifle does the trick in a snap.
FOOL: So tell me about one job then.
ME: No, that's classified.
FOOL: So if I were your target--
ME: Mark.
FOOL: Ok. If I were your mark, how would you--
ME: I would already be finished for the night and we never would've said a word to each other.
FOOL: Yeah? Heh, so are you working tonight?
ME: Like I said, weekends are busy. Excuse me.

I tossed back the remainder of my drink, handed him the empty glass and walked away. Much to my chagrin, there wasn't much more space to cover before I hit another dead end. Luckily I found my roommate in the kitchen and stormed up, "Save me!"
His phone lit up in his hand and he looked at the text message I had sent him not 10 minutes earlier, saying the same exact thing. I hate iPhones. They always delay text messages.

"Oh sorry dude, what happened?" my roommate asks.
"Nothing serious. If some guy asks you if I'm an assassin, go with it."


DJ Berndt said...

haha, sounds like a real winner.

Simone said...

geez was this saturday night? how about this saturday night we hit up keith's halloween party and flirt with guys who already have girlfriends?

also, that dude called you a hoppa like out of the blue? what a fucking racist douchebag.