October 16, 2009

redheads and asians are the only two factions who are simultaneously fetishized as well as ostracized

Generally, if you have some sort of genetic anomaly, being female gives you a bit of a leg up on being completely and totally obliterated in the school yard. Girls can be spared from a lot of negative genetic endowments that wouldn't be so kind to males. Although I would assume then that males would develop a tougher exterior, if not at least a healthy sense of humor about their spotlighted features. Plus, there's always the potential for being a late bloomer. Late bloomers usually come out way more attractive than their early-blooming alpha predecessors. Plus they have the added advantage of developing skills and a charming personality, born of resentment and ridicule, with the ambitions to crush others in ways they aren't initially genetically gifted with. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything...

Here are some of my favorite redheads and asians!

Make sure to note I mean Ron Weasley not Rupert Grint. Why? Because I don't know him. At least I know Ron Weasley through popular children's literature. In that case, throw in the whole Weasley clan while your'e at it. They warm my little yankee heart.

Lola of Run Lola Run. See this movie.

Neko Case.
Her voice is like a canon that makes my heart explode, and her songs build a home around it. She's got more poetry and expression in one strand of her fiery locks than in my entire graduation high school class. And possibly college as well. The first time I really listened to her I felt like I'd been Expelliarmus'd. I was also in England and it sounded like home. I decided that day I want to moonlight as a country folk singer.

Harold and Kumar. Naturally.

Jubilee. I always wanted to be her. Not so much in the sucky weak-ass powers she had, just that I was jealous she got to be sidekick to Wolverine in the cartoon. Wolverinnneeee...

Jessica Rabbit. Who was strangely enough the first time I was aware of sexuality at all, when Who Framed Roger Rabbit first came out. I think I was like 7 or 8 when I first saw it. How could I not become aware, with such an undiluted form? The name Jessica always strikes me as sexy/having to do with sex to this day still. She is also the only Jessica I've ever really liked beyond acquaintance level. And she isn't even real. That's saying a lot.

GoGo Yubari. Teenage assassin and personal bodyguard to Oren Ishi from Kill Bill. Which has got to be a pretty ballin' paycheck, when you think about that sort of profession.
Cute, psychotically lethal, home in time for dinner. The perfect combination.

Ariel. Best pipes in the Atlantic. Or was it the Pacific? I think the best part about living under the sea is the unlimited amount of volume you get in your hair. Hair looks so majestic waving around underwater. Like smoke.
Sebastian should've just told her that everyday under the sea will be a good hair day. I think she would've been more easily convinced. Dinglehoppers be damned!

Cassandra (aka Tia Carrere) from Wayne's World. A positive alternative role model for my pre-teen self, as well as an attainable one. Until I discovered that my hands are much too small to reach guitar frets properly. Took up piano instead. She's the only gal who can sport big-ass hoop earrings and a candy apple red lace bustier and I don't roll my eyes of the corniness.
Best fashion accessory: a fat-ass python and Christopher Walken, of course.

Phillip J. Fry of Futurama
Living the dream of ultimate serendipity: Being the victim of a practical joke leads to his accidental tumble into a cryogenically freezing machine, landing himself 1000 years in the future, where he's employed by his great (x30) nephew as a space-travelling courier. Fon!
Also, even though he doesn't remember it due to spastic time skips (in that episode with the Harlem Globe Trotters), he wins Leela's love and they get married after he moves the stars themselves to spell out his love for her. Literally. Sigh.


Buz said...

Redhead fetishists bother the hell out of me. I was unaware of their existence until I moved here, and the myriad of "I have a thing for redheads" comments had me doing the running man (the dance where you can stylishly run away) all over town.

adam said...

no red-headed asians

Unknown said...

Apparently there are really people who are "afraid of gingers". This boggles me.

DJ Berndt said...

GoGo is very sexy.

HolyshitiLoveyou said...

There are also people who are afraid of Asians. And rightfully so.

Simone said...

i wish i were asian.

ryan said...

asians are teh sex

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