April 6, 2010

go go go not cry cry cry

The funny thing about the idle principles of waiting is that soon enough, you aren't waiting for what you originally thought you were waiting for. Soon enough, you are waiting just to not be waiting anymore.  Some people take up smoking. Some people count obsessively, and others let their minds wander. Waiting, it seems, is a way to excuse your existence. As long you aren't a whistler or crack your knuckles incessantly, I think you can pull off waiting without pissing off most people.

There was a day when you were somebody else. You answered to a different name and your hair was different and you felt different when you woke up every morning. You may not remember any of that now. To do so would be like opening your eyes in the ocean. It feels fine until you resurface. And then it stings.
If only you appreciated the significance of being somebody else, you could've strove to keep this part, to remember it. So when you don't know who you are or how you got here, this could be a good point of reference.


I only thought I ever knew who you were when you would come to me without invitation. Always out of context and always out of breath, like some sort of prodigal bastard son. I knew better than to expect you to stay. And I knew that even if you chose to, it wouldn't be enough.

And every time you come back, you look like somebody else. Your hair is shorter. The weather is warmer now so you are wearing the fall jacket I got you two years ago and it still looks nice on you, I think. Your smile is still the same I guess, but you're looking straight at me this time. Never the same twice.
I kind of like it. This way, I can remove you from the last context that keeps me attached to you in any way. I look at you and see all the time in between the last time I saw you. I am surprised how you remember it to the date.
Soon enough we aren't really seeing each other and we are just periodically cataloging the distance we share. I can't be sad about that, though. Of everybody who wanted to understand me, I appreciate your effort the most because we both know that you probably never would, never will. We can't let go of what we could not connect in the first place. 

I use to think I was waiting for you. I was really just waiting until that feeling went away. It occurred to me the same way you always do. I guess that shouldn't have surprised me. But it did.

1 comment:

(oh)joneses said...

what is this title from? someone left it as a comment in my *honesty box* on facebook. it's been driving me nuts for... years.