June 25, 2011

long walks on the bitch

Ok. Sometimes when you live in NYC instead of going out to public forums to interact with people, you do it on the internet. I've met a lot of genuinely great people this way. And lot of weird whatever people.

Exhibit A: 29/M/NYC with a tagline of "I'm married to medicine but she lets me see other people." He explains that he is looking for an "extraordinary" woman with which to have chemistry and enjoy each other's company and fast-paced active lifestyle(s).
Not an unattractive dude but I can tell he wears his clothes at least a size too big and sports a shaved head because he's probably prematurely balding. I would want to She's All That him, I think.

So he's a young doctor, or some practitioner of medicine.
There are photos of him teaching children in a classroom. The children are some sort of homogenous ethnicity, I wanna say Indian. Oh look, so you're an educator and philanthropist, is what this photo says to me.
There's another photo of him scaling some rock face, all rigged up to bungee no-fallsies ropes or something. Carabiners and shit. Okay, so you're "outdoorsy" and keep "active" or whatever.

(I should note that any self-aggrandizing photos of dudes being overtly athletic or white dudes wearing traveling attire against some exotic backdrop, not only bores me but immediately turns me off. I might as well be browsing a library of pollen allergy statistics or something equally whatever)

The rest of the photos were boring, "This is what I look like on the regs" photos. And of course, since this is the internet and the internet is inherently tacky, one gratuitous shirtless photo but he's lying prostrate on a bedroom floor reading a book. I get it. You wanna show off your abs but also your brainz. Cheers. Also, the bed size is twin and the sheets are lime green.

His initial communique was inoffensive and even a bit jaunty, which is always well-appreciated. But the point where instead of just ignoring him, I feel compelled to remove him from the internet comes after reading one segment, wherein I shall clip for you the main selling points, as it were:
"i admit it's probably not going to work if you need to be taken to restaurants, if you don't love sex, if you're not thin, and probably some other horrible-sounding stuff that i woudln't tattoo on my chest. i wear tshirts and hoodies on dates. i'm probably going to be bald by the time im 45. i'm actually 5' 9" and a half. i dont drink and i'm vegetarian, but i'm not looking for crunchy ascetics. "

Despite all the typographical errors that have me cringing already, this passage can sum of what the rest of a rather verbose self-representation of a tactless narcissist kind of just buffered with a cloud of blahblahblah.
What I don't understand is why people like that struggle with searching out the perfect lover (which, lets not kid ourselves, will just not endure for their fickle standards) when they could very well just pay for one. I don't mean prostitutes, per se. But I did read a very enlightening feature in a Marie Claire a few years ago on a high profile courtesan. Plus, the dude's a doctor-- he can totally afford this. How could he not have thought of this option?

Here's where I offered a helpful suggestion:
You know, and I would only suggest this for you since working in medicine and all one can presume you're awarded a fat paycheck on the regular, there are women out there who are intelligent, clever and conventionally beautiful in a professional sense. They're so talented in this craft that they are well capable of creating a veil of chemistry unfounded by probably all of the other women you don't take to restaurants while you wear hoodies and t-shirts to... not a restaurant. But that's the point, isn't it? Keeps 'em thin. Clever you. 
Since you'll be rather busy climbing all of the rocks and studying all of the medicines as it seems, I think this would be a much more effective attempt at romantic engagement. She might even be better at fixing things than I am. Well, she'll at least be better able to provide a much more absolute demonstration of decorum. 
But since I failed out of Finishing School, the only wisdom I can impart is that if you're on a dating website you probably don't want to volunteer to anonymous women on the internet that you're most likely going to be bald within the next 10-15 years. But it's okay, because you're a doctor and that's like the jackpot of man-hunting these days, right? Ladies are totally into that shit. And hey, you can always temper it with a gratuitous topless photo of yourself. Well done.

I'm quitting the internet basically. I've had enough.

1 comment:

Eric said...

Please don't quit the internet! It'll be so cold and lonely here without you. It'll just be me and the pop-up ads.